Still random thoughts but not really.on January 13, 2013 at 4:11 am
I know that this section of the site is called ‘Random Thoughts’ but I guess people can see that it’s kind of steering towards a direction. I’m not planning it to go like this but it some times helps me think and to clear my head. If I really wrote down all the random thoughts and complaints that I have, I’m not going to have any time for anything else. But, until I can get my insurance cards and find someone to talk to, anyone would stumbles to this is can read about it. The reason for jumping on right now is that I don’t know how I feel. I mean I started feeling… not calm but more like content. However, I guess that opened the flood gates because not shortly thereafter, I just had a rush of feelings. To the point that I wasn’t able to distinguish between the types of feelings. It could have just been a couple or it could have been a legion of emotions. If anyone has the chance to talk to me enough times, they may notices that depending on how I am, depends on my voice. When I’m happy and excited, my voice tends to go a litter higher than normal. When I start to get to the point where I just don’t care about anything, I pretty much turn into Barry White. Right now, lets just I’m not signing soprano.
I’m really feeling agitated right now. I want to jet get away from people and be alone. Anger is kind of building too. I would like to just get away from everything. I’m drawing a blank right now on what else to say about this. Why is it that this happens? Am I that anti-social that I’m becoming physically agitated when I’m around people? When I’m home I really don’t get these feelings. This is like a nagging pain that isn’t too bad but because it’s constantly there, it’s driving me insane. I wish I could just get rid of it all. I hate thinking like this and being like this. For once, I would just like to be normal. As normal as everyone else anyway.
I believe that I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not normal. Nowhere near it. The way I think is odd, the way I act, the way I feel. I’ve never really felt like there is someone else that is like me. I’ve seen people with a few traits like me but they’re not like me. People at work are starting to say that I have autism because the things I do, act, and say remind them of her kid who has autism. The sad things is that for the longest time, I thought that there might be something wrong with me. Mother has mentioned that she’s thought about autism before but I’ve felt this way LONG before she’s said anything.
For you I wish that you were by my side. I want to hold you in my arms for ever and not let go. You make me feel happy, with you gone, there is nothing for me but darkness and cold. Heart freezes over and beats no more until your warmth thaws the ice. How I feel for you. Scared that you’ll be gone and I won’t see that beautiful face, your breathtaking smile… how you’re soft skin feels in my hands.
There are times that I just grow tired of everything and want it to end. People have told me that it’s selfish to think that way. My response… Duh! I’ve spent my entire life ‘serving’ others, putting their needs and wants in front of my own. Wife is the only person who tries to take a back seat and give me what I want and I thank her for that. I can’t go on with this anymore. I’m quitting for now. I’ll post something else later. Hopefully not the same crap I’ve been lately. Chow…