I Don’t Belong To This Placeon August 13, 2012 at 1:39 am
I’m sure that several people would have to agree with how I feel right now, even though to most it may sound… unusual at best. I’m tried of a lot of things. One being how the generations of this world have been on a downward spiral to a flaming doom. Others being of more of a personal matter. Nothing about the misses or family wise. All interpersonal things. I guess this is were the post is probably going to start becoming “unusual” for a lot of people. I’m getting tired of this reality. I’m not talking about the world, people, or even whats around me. I’m tired of… HOW everything works, the laws of physics and chemistry, stuff like that.
I’ve never had the social skills that everyone else would normally had. I’m not going to blame it on the fact that my dad was in the Military and we moved around a lot. I’ve played with kids where ever we went. However, the quality of friendship was never really there. Others may disagree but that’s how I was feeling. Throughout school, all of them, the other kids would act like they’re ok with me, talk to me normally, ask for help, but then they would have a side of them that just made you feel like you were part of… that you just weren’t a part at all. I would get a feeling that I wasn’t suppose to be here on this plane of existence. It may seem like I’m exaggerating it, which I may be but it’s the only way to express how it was. After I finished school, it didn’t stop. I could always get a feeling from people that I’m not the same. Feel like it kind of alienated me.
Growing up I’ve watched a lot of anime. I started to get into all the ‘magic’ and special powers/abilities that characters had. Now this may start to sound funny but recently, last decade or so, I’ve come to feel like I should have been a character in the anime realm. At least there everyone has something about them and can fit in about anywhere. I don’t feel like I fit into this place and I wish every time that I could somehow be in the other reality. I am a great person with a lot of potential and talent, however no one mentions anything I do or recognize what I have or can do. At least with anime, there is always going to be a way for people to see and appreciate what someone can do. There is a place for them.
I have always had a bit of depression throughout my years of growing up after my parents split but ever since my realization of what I want, that depression has grown. People are going to see this depression because I’ve gotten good at how to fact moods. I do fall into “Funks” that people can see but I normally get those in check fairly quickly. Before this need, my depression had me do physical harm to myself. My wife has gotten me to stop. Not stop wanting to harm myself, just stop. There is, and I figured always will be, the eager to bring the pain back to the surface. There is nothing to fear over, there is no risk of death, I can assure people. If I am no more, than there can be no pain. That’s not the need.
I’m pretty sure that some people may understand what I’m talking about. Maybe not some but I’m sure one or two people understand. However, I’m sure that to the rest, I sound like a person that needs to be checked out by a Psychologist. I’m fine with that. I wouldn’t mind talking to them.